Inner War

Sometimes, I struggle, I always have, and still do, with the idea of being a stay at home mom or even a mom for that matter .  Some mom's have to work, which makes sense, some choose too, and some stay home.  I've finally gotten a job position that I really like and was made for in a sense.  Which of course, happens about the same time I get pregnant.   It's just funny how life works out sometimes.  I came across this article  today on Yahoo!   This woman looses here job due to the economy and starts staying home with her kids and realizing how life fulfilling it is.

Recently, I decided along with Derek, that I really would be a stay at home mom and be very happy with it.  I have tell myself everyday out loud and to the little babe as well, that I will take good care of her.  (I think it's a her.) Maybe that's partly why it took so long for her to get here...she was probably worried because I have had this inner war all my life.  So here's to you baby, I will try my very best to be a good mama.

Written when I was around 11 weeks?

I'm writing this while 10 weeks pregnant.

I thought that since this doesn't happen every day..especially for me, I should probably write down some of the random thoughts I have during these early weeks of pregnancy

I thought miscarriages were hard...but this whole morning sickness...THIS is tough.  Partly, because it is not morning based.  From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep it's there.  (Knock on wood) but I have only puked once, after eating tuna casserole, a double hamburger, fries and a lime ricky.  Needless to say, I no longer eat any of those items.  

On top dry heaving all day, I have these very specific food cravings that must be fed immediately.  You see, the food above that made me puke is not normally part of my diet.  For the last year and a half I have become somewhat of a health nut.  (Which I am convinced that it's part of the reason for being pregnant now.) I just followed what the good Bible said...less meat and sugar and more fruits and veggies. (Alright, it didn't say that word for word.)  But now, since this little gold nugget has dropped in, I have craved the following, completely ruining any healthy streak I had.

1. Roast Beast (yes, i spelled that right.) with mashed potatoes and gravy. We went to Mimi's which was good, but still not quite right.  Auntie Mitsie made hers which is best. 

2.  Frozen Michellenie's dinner with peas added-which I don't think I'd ever eaten before

3.  Mama's tuna fish sandwiches, with pickles, celery, and had to be on white bread.  Oh, and I did have to go to the store for Mayonnaise, because i needed it to taste exactly like I remember it.

4.  Peas

5.  Mama's tuna casserole with peas

6.  Pickled beets.  Many a cans have given their lives to my belly. 

7.  Einstein's Bagels.

8.  Chef Boyardee Ravioli

9.  Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips

10. Valley Garlic, Onion and Dill Flavored Petite Fancy Pickles.  Which I usually eat these anyway. 

11. Orange Chicken from China Hill.  I don't even like Orange chicken, so I got General Tao's. As soon as I put it in my mouth I wasn't sick anymore.  it. was. like. heaven.

12. Reese's Peanut Butter puff cereal. How can they even call the food?

Sure, this is probably a typical person's kind of diet, but previously, mine had been rather bird/deer/cow like.  In fact, we walk down the pet isle for The Kona's food and Derek always points out that I should probably buy some of that food...meaning the bird seed food...for myself.   Since the puking up of burger/tuna/lime/fries day, I have actually avoided the meat as best I can.  Which means, I basically eat baked potatoes...almost every day with peas.

Would you like to know some things that I can't even bear to look/smell??

Okay.

Bubbie's Pickles

pepperoncini

Capers

Spaghetti sauces...Especially with meatballs. 

Peppermint anything.  I was taking this to help with the sickness...but now it causes sickness.

Soda Crackers

The Kona's Breath.

Green Gum- now smells like cigarettes with a minty flavor

Some of my essential oils which I usually love. 

Sigh. Though this was a lengthy complaint...it's all still worth it.  Just the other day I was looking at another blog and the husband was holding their little girl .  

World, I just don't think there is a sexier pose for a man.

A father holding their kids on one arm.  Don't ask my why, but, I am ready to take thousands of pictures with Derek doing this. Because he will be the handsomest daddy around holding our baby.

ps. after proofreading my list of cravings...i feel kind of sick.

Might be time.

 My friend at work just asked if anything was new. 

At that exact moment...my pants top button just popped off.

Those once super funny subway commercials just became the real deal. 

I know...it might be time to get some new pants...but just not yet.

 

We're never going to have to feel this way again. EVER.

**Note to all that read this. Please don't tell my boss.  I have yet to inform the office or anyone there, especially the boss man.

5 Years and 7 Miscarriages ago we starting this arduous journey. There has been much crying, hysteria, obsessing, anger, physical pain, emotional pain that literally breaks my heart, frustration, assuming, aching, yelling. . .

Mainly by me. 

We have seen too many pregnancy tests, blood drawings, hormonal drugs, doctors and more doctors.  We have been through the routine so many times that I could tell you exactly what a doctor would do and say...always ending with sad results.  I have been pregnant multiple more times than many of you reading this.

It isn't fun.

My poor husband. 

There were times I was worried for him, mainly because, I don't know how he could deal with his maniac wife. He is really rock solid.  It's a pretty good thing I married him.  

I can't think of anyone on this earth stronger than him.

We've tried the hormonal drugs, we've tried the natural, we've looked into Foster Care, we've looked into adoption, I'm pretty sure there isn't an option I haven't read or tried to do. I've also considered stealing children, but I have read the Face on the Milkbox too many times.

I have never yearned for something so bad in my entire life.

I think God realized that I truly had given up.  It's been a really long time.  Derek promised that this would be the last doctor. We went to the U for the infertility specialists.  After more tests and more exams, they still didn't have any answers or unique questions for that matter.  Come to find out, we didn't need them in the end. 

See this?

 

This is inside of my body.  I don't have to buy a baby after all, although I still might... According to the last doctor, it's a spontaneous conception.  Meaning, we conceived in the normal way.  We weren't on any medication, shots, steroids or magic pills.  Which never happens at an infertility clinic. Who knows why it worked this time.

It makes it all worth it.

p.s.  Although, I would prefer not to have to repeat everything before this, but time will only tell.

p.s.s. this was written a while ago.  Today i believe I'm somewhere around 15 weeks. 

We really have done some exciting things

but i just don't know when and how I'll blog about them...

Hopefully coming soon. 

Come on. Really? Easter.

how could this not freak a child out?

Freaks me out. 

What is wrong with you Easter Candy People?

Taken last year sometime in the Clearance section.